On Mothering, Really

On Mothering Parenting Mothering, Really

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but I do plan on keeping to my goal of at least one to two posts a week, now that I’m back. With Mother’s Day fast approaching, the next couple will be about parenting, and then I plan to move on to other topics because I like to talk about many different things.

Time magazine has fired yet another salvo in the “mommy wars” (a term I have grown to detest, by the way) just in time for Mother’s Day. If you haven’t seen it, the cover depicts a young mother nursing her three-year-old child, who is standing on a chair and latched on as the mother stands staring at the camera, next to the tagline “Are you mom enough?” I will state right here and now that I haven’t read the article because you have to be a subscriber to read it online and I won’t buy the magazine.  I wonder if for Father’s Day, we will see a photo of a young father wearing a pre-schooler next to the tagline, “Are you dad enough?” Somehow, I doubt it. It irks me to no end that nearly every parenting debate is a mothering debate, and nearly every mothering debate is more about pitting women against each other and playing on our worst fears, that we are somehow damaging our children and not doing something right, and it will be our fault if something happens to our children, than it is about a truthful, open discourse where we can learn from each other. After all, Norman Bates didn’t have daddy issues, did he?

Since I have not read it, I won’t address the article. I will simply talk about the picture and the backlash. People on all sides are offended by it. I don’t find it particularly offensive. I am annoyed, but not offended, that they obviously did it to be titillating, rather than spark an honest discussion about attachment parenting and extended breast-feeding. Those are both interesting and intertwined topics. I am also annoyed that people took the bait. It isn’t titillating. It looks a little uncomfortable, but not indecent. I would certainly rather sit and have my child snuggle into me while I nurse, but if the chair thing works for you, have at it. I would rather see a picture of what most women who engage in extended breast-feeding look like when they nurse because it is a more honest place from which to begin a dialogue. I promise that it would still have enraged those who were going to be put-out by it, but it wouldn’t have made people feel like they have to defend a picture that doesn’t necessarily depict what they do. People would be defending something real, not something designed to be as inflammatory as possible. I am so sad that women who make a choice that is already looked on with suspicion have been put in the position of either defending this photograph or saying “I don’t do it like that!” Both things are ridiculous, and neither will mollify those who are offended by the act in the picture.

Speaking of the people who are offended by it, I am even more annoyed with them. This picture is not the end of the world. It isn’t child abuse, and it isn’t indecent. It is just a mother doing what she thinks is best for her child. Where were your voices when the hundreds of other truly exploitive and degrading magazine covers and ads that are published every month were released? Pictures where you see airbrushed breasts that are being used for no other purpose than to be ogled? Pictures where women are nothing but objects of unattainable beauty and sexuality put there to satisfy the male gaze(even the models in the pictures don’t actually look like that, in real life)? Pictures of women who are barely old enough to vote climbing all over each other in various states of undress? Pictures of women climbing all over ridiculously oiled and hairless men? Pictures of women bending to the will of others and of objects? We see those images every month, every week, every day, but this picture is what has you foaming at the mouth? Priorities, people.  

I have absolutely no desire to nurse my pre-schooler, but I don’t care if another woman does. By American standards, I nurse for a long time. My oldest was just a week or so shy of two when he weaned, my middle child was 22 months, and my youngest could wean any day now, and I would be thrilled, but she will be weaned by her second birthday. That is my comfort level. It conforms with the WHO guidelines, and it works for my family. I see it as my duty to support any mother who feeds her child in any way that is healthy and keeps everyone happy. Do you need breastfeeding support? I’m your woman. Do you need someone to let you know that your child won’t die and is not being denied a future Pulitzer Prize if you formula feed? I’m there for you. Do you need someone to not look askance when you nurse in public regardless of whether your child is three weeks or three years? I’ve got your back. Are you somewhere in the middle? That’s cool, yo.

Here’s the thing. We should all support each other. What good does all of this endless debate and fighting about the “right” way to do something that there is actually no one correct way to do, do for anyone? If I make a different choice for my family than you did for yours, that is not a reflection on my opinion of you or your parenting. It is a reflection of what seems instinctual and best for me and my family, and vice versa. What works for one child in the same family might not work for another. With that being the case, why on earth would we think that what works for one family will necessarily work for another? If I offer advice, it’s because I think it will help, not because I will be offended to the core if you don’t take it. If I don’t take your advice, it isn’t because I don’t like and respect you, it’s because it didn’t feel right for my situation. We need to let go of our own fear of being judged, and respect each other. This need for understanding goes for pretty much every non-abusive parenting decision people make. I used to be much more defensive about a lot of my parenting choices because it’s hard to feel completely secure when you’re responsible for someone else’s life. I am much more secure in my choices now than when I began my parenting journey. I may never be mother-of-the-year, but my kids love me and they are good kids who know they are loved. At the end of the day, what more do we want?